2002-01-11 - 1:37 a.m.
I haven't posted in a while. I've been going through the various confusing and heart wrenching stages of post-breakup devistation. I've realised lots of things and learned a lot of lessons about myself and what is important to me.
If I could scream it to the world I would. I'm in love with Angelique Domingue. There isn't anything I can do about that, as painful as it is. When I think about how much she means to me, and the infinite well of emotions I have for her, it makes me happy. At the same time it is quite painful. We've both made mistakes in our two year relationship. I know I've made my fair share. Since we broke up in late October I've been digging in the dirt and doing lots of soul searching. My results? I'm completely in love with her. I feel for her things I've never felt for anyone before...things I never thought I'd ever be able to feel about someone. I know what you're saying. You're thinking that this is just some post-breakup, 'I'm alone and I don't want to be' thing. The problem is that I'm not scared of being alone. In fact I work better alone and enjoy it...that was one of the problems in the relationship. Being alone is fine with me...but being without her is heartbreaking. I'm sure I've fucked things up to the point of no return. My outlook isn't hopeful for getting her back. As much as I try to 'move on' I can't. I love her. The real love. The kind of Love with the capitol L. There isn't shit I can do about it. So what now? It seems as though I'm damned to a life of thinking about this amazing person all the time and having her out of my reach. I'll just have to get used to it I guess. I don't think it will get any better. I don't think these feelings will fade. In fact I'm positive they won't. I'll love this girl with all my heart for the rest of my life.
The worst thing is that she knows it and it doesn't matter. I've told her my feelings and I think she belives me, or at least I hope she does. I really think that I've grown since October and could make some sort of reconciliation work. She knows I'm willing, but it doesn't matter. I don't think she cares. She seems to have washed her hands of me. I'm pretty sure she doesn't feel the same way about me anymore and I don't really think there is anything I can do to change any of that. Oh wicked irony. The event that allows me to see what she means to me and what I should do to make her happy and keep our relationship strong is the very thing that severs those ties between us...probably forever.
I can wake up. I can eat now. I can clean my room. I'm learning to perform simple everyday necessary tasks without reeling from the the intense pain of our estrangement. As much as I try to pick myself up, dust myself off, and move on with my life, I am unable to dilute my feelings for her. They are there...real...and unchangable. You'll never read this in a million years Angelique. You'll never know how truely sorry I am for all of my failings, or how earnest my efforts would be to ammend them if given the chance. You could NEVER ever even suspect how real my feelings for you are, or how much of my heart you've taken hold of. You'll never know how much I really love you, and I'll never get the chance to show you.
I've already begun accepting the fact that I'm going to have to live my life in some degree of torment, knowing who I truely love and being unable to be with them. It's not some silly infatuation or lust. I KNOW who she is. I know all the good things, but more importantly, I know all the bad things...and I accept them all wholeheartedly. I don't care if she has wierd mood swings, and I don't care if she gets fat, I would still love her the same. She could be horribly disfigured in an automobile accident, unable to walk or make love ever again...and I would care for her and love her just the same. She is buried deep within me, in a place where she can not be removed. So with all this said, I stand on the brink of a future without her. I am trying to come to grips with the fact that I will never kiss those lips again, or feel her warmth as we fall asleep together on boring Sunday afternoons. She'll never look into my eyes with complete contentment and serenity and tell me she loves me ever again.
I should write a textbook on my life as a fool. I certainly am one of the best.
