2002-01-28 - 10:52 p.m.
I had the realisation today that lately I am perpetually waiting for something. I'm not sure what it is. I don't know if it's a person or a thing or an event or a thought or a feeling. It could be a plant or an animal or a mineral. It's a strange anxiety and anticipation. I find myself physically looking around a lot...waiting for something to happen or someone to appear, but I don't know what or whom. It feels like there is something great or at least important on the horizon and I can't wait for it to get here...or at least I've convinced myself in some strange dilusion that there is something to be anticipated.
I don't like being by myself lately which is wierd for me. I've neglected my household duities because I can't make myself stay home. When I'm home I think more than I should. I like being away and around people. This is quite at odds with how I usually am. I guess it's part of me rediscovering who the fuck I am. I don't feel like me. It feels sort of like watching a movie of myself through the perspective of my eyes. I see everything from my perspective, but there's no real connection felt. Hopefully this will all pass.
I miss comfort and repetition and security. I'm presently adapting to life in a new world. I make all this sound so important and serious. I'm full of shit, just like everyone else. That's a pessemistic last statement, so I'll end with something less morose. We are all beautiful and special and wonderful. Nothing is without light.
