2002-05-02 - 12:24 a.m.
Confusion is a strange thing. This is especially true when you don't know exactly what you're confused about. I know my confusion has something to do with happiness and the dirrection of my life. I think I've been slightly depressed lately but I'm not sure. I guess that's my first confusion. Also, I'm trying to figure out what my purpose is. I think I think too much, but seriously... I know that I am not meant to be a scientist at this point. I'm just trying to finish school. Am I supposed to be a musician? A writer? I'm feeling pretty useless.
It's a strange and possibly unrealistic feeling, but I sense that I am meant to do something great. Is that an arrogant feeling? Why should I be one to accomplish something great? After all, there are many more people who attain subltle and practicle feats of greatness in their lifetimes (i.e. being a good parent, doing your best at your job, being a faithful spouse) Maby it's some sort of survival response. Life feels pretty meaningless and difficult to deal with, so I create this artificial and unfounded hope. Despite all this logical dream-snuffing, I have always felt some great potential lying there, just beneath the surface. I just don't know what it is. It's silly that I picture my life as a documentary. Each time I think I know what I'm supposed to do with myself, I picture someone saying, 'It was apparent from an early age that....' Ok, I'm tired of hearing myself talk about this.
I hope this lull subsides quickly. The fabric of time is difficult to push through right now. Days seem like chores and accomplishments rather than standards and givens. I'd like a backbone again. I'd like to feel robust, and suck the marrow of life in with each and every breath. I'd like to wake from this sleep.
