2002-10-06 - 11:30p.m.
ok...second post of the day
There are a thousand things to love about a person, yet it seems so utterly hopeless that we'll one day find someone with whom it all works out. It's so scary to trust and make that plunge. People do it every day. It just all seems so fucked up. All that is required is that we put aside all of our selfish little neurosis(what is the plural of neurosis..neurosises?) and love and care.
My logical self battles my fruity romantic nature ad nausium. Sometimes I think that there must be a plan for my life...some sort of predestined course in which everything wraps up in a nice denoument, even though I know that is not the case. As dumb as it is, I want that. I want to be old and grey sitting on my porch looking out into the sunset, with a nostalgic score of music gently warbling in the background. I want to say, 'yeah..this certainly was some life, and I wouldn't trade a thing'. I'm not dumb. I know you make your own way. I know each day when I wake up, the quality of my life is governed by my own actions. But it would be such a comforting thing to have the universe concerned with the quality of my life, making sure that my little thread is woven well into the cloth of history. I want it to be crimson red, or azure blue. I want to soar and shine. I spend way too much of my energy being conflicted rather than content. I just need to start meditating again. Balance is the key. I want to enjoy every breath again. I want my mind to be strong and my heart to be open. I also want my heart to be strong and my mind to be open. Sometimes it's harder than you think. I'd like to live life the way it should be lived. I want to be good to everyone. I want to remeber birthdays, and people's names. I want to see the clear light in everything.
She taught me how to feel again, and for that I'm greatful.
