2003-04-30 - 10:54 a.m.
Hey Sarah...
Yeah I was going to write you soon to see if you made it home ok. You're right about this being totally unlike anything I've ever felt. It's so indescribable and wierd. People ask how I'm doing and I can only respond 'I don't know' or 'I feel wierd'. When it hits me, it's so penetrating and profound that I don't know how a person can live while hurting that badly. I don't mean, 'I'm really sad so I'm going to kill myself' type stuff...I mean dying from the shock and trauma alone. I know I only feel certain small pieces of this experience at any point in time. I liken it to standing a few inches away from a hydrogen bomb as it detonates. You are subject to the full force of the blow, but it's so overwhelming you don't have enough mental bandwith to take it all in at once. I guess that explains the 'phases'. Sometimes I think 'This is going to be ok', and there is a lightness and peace and understanding. Other times, uncontrollably, that penetrating reality cuts me to the core, and I sit there dazed like a stuck pig in shock as the life bleeds out of me. Sorry for such graphic imagery. I'm just describing my experience.
There is one strange phenomenon in that I can't dream about her exactly. I want to really badly. I think about her ever second that I'm awake, and when I'm sleeping I still think about her, but it's similar to when I'm awake. When I'm awake, no matter what task I'm doing I'm grappling with the fact that she's not alive in the background. In my dreams I'll be dreaming about situation x that is totally unrelated to her, but in the back of my mind thinking those same 'she's not alive' thoughts. Last night I had a dream that she was alive and I showed up at your house but she wasn't home yet...so I went other places and strange things happened...typical dream stuff...but when I returned she had just stepped out to go to the store. Something in me (or maby even she) is not letting me have any sort of communication with her in my dreams. I don't know why. I was rather frustrated/pissed when I woke up.
I can't wait till this summer. It's really really hard to have any kind of academic motivation right now. I plan to travel and volunteer a lot. Traveling includes visiting you in Waco. I've gotta get to my physics stuff, but I'll be in touch soon.
-B
