2003-05-01 - 2:17 a.m.
Other than the post yesterday, I haven't really been able to write much about the whole situation in here. I'm not sure why. It feels like the different phases I go through are diverging from one another in the way that the ok times are more ok than before, but the bad times are getting worse. Last night the full reality hit me for a little while and it was finally as painful as one would expect it to be. When she died I couldn't really grief full force, because I was always around people and trying to hold it together so as not to make them uncomfortable. I realise that I've been that way for most of this, just trying to weird people out as little as possible with my sadness. It's usually this numbing kind of ambient depression, but last night it was sharp and severe. I layed on my back on the hood of my vehicle and cried so hard I thought the sadness was going to physically leap from my body. That's the best way I can describe it. I love Lindsay so incredibly much that my heart is fundamentally decimated now. I feel cosmicly fucked with...that someone could consume not just the core of my heart, but the whole of my heart, and be tethered to every breath and thought, and as things were still exponentially growing in a way I didn't even think possible for me...to have them violently yanked away in a freak sort of manner...to have years of prayers and dreams realised then immediatly crushed and denied...that is what it's like to be cosmicly fucked with. I have never wanted anything more in my life than to be with her. I would have given up anything for her. I'm not just saying this becuase she has passed away. I said this before that. When she went to Mexico it hurt so bad being away from her I went nutty. I wrote her love letters every day, and this is just her being on vacation with her family for a week without a phone. When she returned I swore I'd never be away from her that long again. Six weeks later...she's gone forever.
It's extremely difficult for me to care about my work. I'm just trying to limp along to graduate, more for her than for me. Then..an indefinite period of 'I don't know what the fuck to do'-ness. I'm going to try to do good works in her honor. I'm forced to still be alive and consuming resources, so I may as well be a benifit to the world than just another wasted conciousness. Ok, back to the neutron activation analysis.
