2003-05-21 - 9:11 p.m.
I'm typing this from my new laptop. This keyboard is going to take some getting used to.
Things are getting easier and harder. Easier because time is getting me used to living a life where I wake up and do things and go to bed and she's not there. Things are harder because I'm in this transitional zone, and it's not as clear how I'm supposed to think and act as it was right after she died. I also feel more distant from her and it makes me sad. I guess it's just the way it has to be.
I graduate Friday. Everyone keeps saying, 'You should be ecstatic right?' Honestly I'm not. I'm glad and relieved, but everything is bittersweet and nothing is wholeheartedly enjoyable right now. I know that's not what she wants. I know she wants me to be happy, but I just can't be anything other than this neutral 'I don't know'. I've been forcing myself out to do things to keep myself busy. It's what Lindsay's mom instructed me to do. It does distract me a bit. I don't know if I really want to be distracted though. As I said before, proper conduct is unclear right now.
I'm going see my friends in Ahab and Ballistic Missile play tonight.
I met a really nice/cool person from Atlanta/New York recently. It's good to know that the world is littered with quality folks. It makes life easier to navigate. That and music, but I'm not even feeling solace in music anymore. I think when James and I start playing together I'll be able to express some more personal things and it will help. In 'The Object', I'm part of this massive whole that is void of self. There is less room to vent in a personal way.
