2003-09-09 - 11:23 p.m.
Ok Hannah...
It's your turn to recieve an unprompted email from me. I'm sorry I'm so bad about this sort of thing lately. I usually like to write, but I haven't even been able to write things in my online journal in a long time. Maby it's a function of Lindsay dying. It's not that I don't think about things to say. I just never make the connection to write when I sign on.
I've been kind of bored and restless lately. I'm sort of in the hunt for a job finally. I guess I've reached the point in my life where I'm ready to move on and rejoin the living instead of talking to ghosts in my head. It's still a wierd transition. There is a certain anxiety associated with it. I guess there is a certain anxiety associated with everything with me. I'm not happy, but I'm sort of neutral now. Not exactly neutral. Sub-neutral...but not horrible. We have a show this Friday in Houston, and it falls on the 6 month aniversary of Lindsays death. I'm sorry I'm talking about this. I figure people don't want to hear about it anymore. I haven't spoken of her or my feelings to anyone in a really really long time...like 3 months or so. I guess it's just bursting, wanting to come out. I'm sorry this email is centered on me. I guess you're going to take the place of a journal entry whether you like it or not. I'll probably copy/paste this on diaryland because I haven't written anything on there since the begining of the summer.
When I see couples that look happy I get this bittersweet feeling. It's what I want and I'm happy for them, but I'm sad that I can't have it. With Lindsay, I was happier and things worked out better than the ever have in my whole life. That sort of thing is like a drug and you go through withdrawals for a long time afterward when it's gone. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if it were coke or heroine...you don't have to see people shooting and snorting all around you every day. Still, I'm happy for them. I get the same sort of bittersweet feeling when I see kids. I can't wait to be a dad. Maby one day. It feels wierd because I, who never thought he'd want to settle down, dreams of a nice settled down normal life all the time now. I walk around my neighborhood now and I look at all the cute houses and yuppy 30 something couples with cats and dogs and gardens and bills and I want that really badly. The thing is I can't picture that with anyone else but Lindsay...so that presents a problem. I either want to learn to picture my life with someone else, or quit this hopeless pining. I'm stuck between two paradymes in my life.
Other than that the band is doing well. I play with a bunch of different people now, so it makes my week full of various band practices. I have a new cat...but I think I told you that whole story already. Ok..this is all you get. I'm sorry it wasn't a fun email to read...but beggars can't be choosy! Not that you're a begger. You know what I mean.
-B
