2003-09-15 - 4:24 p.m.
Woah. I'm actually writing in this thing with some sort of frequency now. How about that. I've been having these wierd medical problems lately. One involving my skin...one involving my joints. I'm supposed to see a neurologist in a month which is going to be really expensive. I don't have insurance right now. I had school insurance, but I'm not a student anymore...and I won't be getting any new insurance till I get a job...which I'm still looking for. I hope I get one for the sake of my parents. I'm tired of them having to float me along. In one of my ailements I was getting worried I had ALS which is Lou Gherigs disease. It's a degenerative nerve disease that eventually kills you. SO I'm sitting here thinking, 'wow, I might have a fatal neurological disorder'. I was pretty accepting of it, which says a lot about my present mental orientation. If someone told me I was going to die sometime soon my honest first reaction would be, 'That's fine'. I guess I just don't have anything to live for right now. I mean I'm not going to kill myself or anything. My band is still the same. The truth of the matter is that we aren't going to have any succes. Some of the band members are pretty settled into their domestic lives and I don't think they want to make this thing a big touring band. I don't really have any career goals other than being financially self-sufficient. I wish I had a passion or something I really loved doing. Everything is just sort of blah. I don't have a significant other to live for. I honestly think that I've already had the love of my life and I'm stuck with living the rest of my life alone. It's one thing to be alone and have the hope that one day you're going to find your soul-mate. It's another thing to have found your soul-mate and know she's gone and you're destined to live the rest of your life thinking of how wonderful that time was, knowing it'll never be that wonderful again. I have no goals to look forward to. SO..I'm just sort of here. There isn't much in life that excites me. I'm just living because I don't have any other option. I'm a man without options, or goals...nothing to look forward to. On top of all this, I feel like I'm falling apart. Maby if I felt physically healthy the mental health would follow suit. Well...we have a show in BR Friday..and Hopesfall is playing in NOLA Saturday. I hope I have fun.
