2003-09-28 - 3:26 a.m.
Ok..so I know I was acting strangely tonight. I felt strange. It was Dallas' suprise birthday party and everyone was asking me whats wrong, or wanting to ask me what was wrong and feeling too uncomfortable to do so. They'd have this look in their eyes that would just make me more uncomfortable. I just wanted that look to go away. I'd say I'm fine..or I'm ok...or I'm just sick (which I am) just to get away from their questions and make them feel ok with themselves, but it was obvious that I was lying. I can't lie at all. I'm not very good at it. So they were stuck in this awkward crux where they wanted to push more, but there was nothing to push on because I had just deflected their attempts and all they could do was leave me alone. This is what I wanted anyway. Even if I had said I'm not fine, I couldn't have told them exactly what was wrong if I wanted to. I think it's a lot of things adding up. I think I'm in some awkward complicated situations that I can't talk to a single soul in the world about, and that's difficult. I just don't feel like being around people. I feel kind of dead and cut off from my emotions, or at least my ability to feel good. This is very frustrating and aggrivating because I'm trying so hard to be fine. This is all silly...there is no reason for any of this. I guess life just has to be dull and void of excitement and pleasure. I guess it's just got to be a grind..even if you aren't doing much. I'm probably acting and feeling all weird because I'm kind of sick. That's what I hope at least. I'm just waiting in faithful hope that things will/can be cool again.
