2003-10-22 - 9:21 p.m.
I'm at Cafe Cottage using the internet access here because my UL account has finally been rendered inactive. It was only a matter of time.
It's a strange thing to have a relationship with the dead. It's a rather one sided ordeal. It involves lots of wasted hours remembering thousands of little insignificant details and happenings and reliving them to the best of your ability. It involves lots of lonely onesided conversations, sometimes spoken, sometimes internal...with responses that are ultimately non-responses. Whether these things actually exist or not, you're left with the feeling that you're crazy and making all of it up. That's the best it gets. Have you ever had something that you think about for every second of every day for as long as you can remember? I have.
I'm not trying to sound overly dramatic. I'm not writing this for anyone other than myself. This isn't a call for help, this is for latter day reflection from the other side of this great sleep I'm in right now. This is assuming that there will be an other side. I certainly hope so. I'm getting very sick of wanting to drop dead at any given moment.
OK...enough dreary stuff. Let me write about something else. For instance...there is the most beautiful girl sitting at the next table here in the cafe. I'm can't help but stare at the shape of her lips...at her skin...at her eyes...she has the most beautiful chocolate brown hair. There. I did it. I wrote about something other than self-loathing. I don't write all of these dreary things for wallowing purposes. I'd rather be optimistic and happy. I try really hard everyday to break out of this. I'm doing my best. I just can't seem to shake it. I make my appeals to heaven, I do my good deads to cleanse my karma...I've done everything I can do in this terrestrial plane. I'm not sure what else I can do. I want there to be a time when I can write about glorious and interesting things. I want to tell stories with lots of details and novel plot twists and all that good stuff. I guess I just need to break out of this fog first.
