2004-02-09 - 3:51 p.m.
I'm sitting here listening to Aloha. For some reason, I always associate Aloha with Lindsay. I guess it's just the mood they create...that and I listened to them when we first met. It always makes me contemplative and happy and sad. I think about how incredible she was and how much I love her and it makes me happy. The things I experienced with her would make anyone truely and fundamentally happy. Then I think about how she's gone, and how I'll never hold her again and it makes me sad. Sometimes, (like right now) I can't even make it seem real that she's actually gone. Maby if I listen to Aloha for the next 50 years I'll live out my days feeling connected to her.
I'm sitting here waiting to go to work. Work isn't terrible. It's good as far as dead end jobs go. I don't make enough money though. I make much less after graduating college than before. It's hard to get a job around here when companies are leaving at a fast rate, and everyone I know is loosing their jobs. The ecconomy is completely dreadful right now.
I wonder if my life right now would be better had Lindsay not died. I feel the answer would be a resounding yes, but I wonder in what ways my life would be different. I wonder where I'd be and what I'd be doing. In April it'll be a year ago that she died. I can feel the temporal pressure as the event draws closer. It's strange, but I can sense it in the near future. It'll be the first echo of many that I'll have to live through...the echos of a cataclismic event that impacted my life more than anything I've experienced before, and quite possibly anything I'll experience again.
